It Will Never Be Enough
Nothing you do will ever satisfy a narcissist
The worst piece of advice I’ve ever received came from a Rolling Stone colleague.
He knew I was suffering from emotional abuse at the hands of my narcissistic boss. So, he did what any well-meaning boomer male would in that situation.
He told me to give in to my boss.
In his exact words, he told me to “give him his chew toy so he’ll leave you alone.” By “chew toy,” he meant anything that would stroke his ego: Kiss his ass, flirt, laugh at his atrocious jokes, allow him to invade my personal space more, ignore his inappropriate behavior, etc.
I’m sharing this story for the umpteenth time because I am watching this same story play out in real time — within the American government.
Our president is a malignant narcissist who spent most of yesterday engaging in a Drake vs. Kendrick-level online feud with the world’s richest man, Elon Musk (another malignant narcissist).
He literally cannot handle any form of criticism (chicken TACOs, anyone?). Cabinet meetings are now obsequious lovefests dedicated to lavishing praise on the Dear Leader. Certain federal job applicants must now write a 200-word essay that states their loyalty to the president. This same commander-in-chief is throwing himself a $45 million military birthday parade (even though Captain Bone Spurs never served in the Armed Forces). And media companies are, in essence, paying bribes to the Trump administration to remain in its good graces.
Check out
’s special comment on that last subject here, where he implores Paramount — the parent company of CBS — to not give in to Trump’s lawsuit over an allegedly biased 60 Minutes report:
In a word, ew.
So I want to talk to you today about narcissism. I am intimately familiar with this character trait because it’s what allowed my boss at Rolling Stone to torment me for seven years. The behavior exhibited by both my RS boss and Donald Trump is identical. Full stop.
If there’s one thing everyone in this country needs to understand about narcissism, it’s that nothing you do will ever be enough for them. It doesn’t matter how many compliments you give them or how many times you don’t ask them “nasty questions.” You can tiptoe around them all you want to ensure there won’t be any feelings of offense or awkward moments.
It won’t matter. They’ll still find something to complain about or hold against you. They will still suck you dry with their demands. And you will get nothing in return for your “loyalty.”
In my case at Rolling Stone, I was fortunate enough that I could ignore that God-awful chew toy advice. The only thing sucking up to my boss might have provided me with was an unofficial “deputy” title in our department. This was a completely made-up position that made my middle-manager boss feel like he had authority.
Like running DOGE.
I’ll be the first person to tell you that courage is hard. It's so much easier to live in fear with your head down. But just because I speak out doesn't mean I'm not afraid. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t feel any fear. But I've spent too many decades watching bullies get away with cruelty, from middle school to middle age. For years, I’ve held my tongue, remained complicit, and didn’t rock the boat, all because I thought keeping my head down would pay off in the end.
Breaking news: It didn’t.
Recently, I came across a Facebook post from someone I had to pull away from several months ago. (I stepped back for several reasons; one was that I just couldn’t stomach her continued support of her MAGA father.) She wrote a long, raw post about how being a mother is a thankless job (hear, hear!). Although she discussed her own motherhood experiences in the post, this was really a love letter to her own mother.
Awesome, right?
It was, until I noticed she had squeezed in a perfunctory sentence about her father (and how “great” he was), too. What I didn’t understand is why she felt the need to mention her dad — this was a post about mothers, and how we, not the dads, are the ones who shoulder the invisible load.
Well, I got my answer in the comments.
He immediately chimed in, asking why she didn’t show any love for him in that post. (When she did!!!!)
That was when my narcissist alarm bells started going into overdrive:
She had probably shoehorned in that sentence about her dad, knowing that he would get on her case if she didn’t mention him. And look what happened — it still wasn’t enough.
But as I’ve been saying this entire time, when you’re dealing with a narcissist, no amount of acknowledgment or adulation will ever satisfy these people.
I don’t doubt that I’m thinking about this Facebook post way more than the actual participants, but that’s only because I’m sad that this estranged friend tried to give her father his chew toy so he wouldn’t get upset with her. And it still backfired.
She did exactly what the Republican Party and countless corporations are doing every day. They are bending the knee. They’re giving in to Donald Trump and his outrageous demands, just so he won’t bully them. This is no different than paying someone protection money.
In legal terms, that’s called extortion.
But nothing will ever be enough for Donald Trump. Those of you who "give in" -- whether it's to the president himself or his supporters -- because you think it will lower your stress levels, I’ve got some bad news for you.
You'll be stuck doing this forever. This is nonstop emotional blackmail.
Whether you’re a loving son or daughter trying to be "kind" to your Trump-voting parents or a media conglomerate paying millions of dollars in bribes, the song remains the same. You will always be beholden to these kinds of bullies unless you stand up to them. Starting now.
Ever since I was a child, I was encouraged to "ignore" the bullies. On the one hand, that’s valid advice: Bullies thrive on attention, so if you don’t give them any, their power deflates. But on the other hand, you also have to demonstrate that you're not afraid of them -- or else they'll keep bullying you.
Bullies, like the current president, respond to strength. This means you cannot be quiet and complicit if you want things to change. The only way we're going to dig ourselves out of this mess is, to quote one of my favorite Gen X catchphrases, if we stop being polite and start getting real.
I know that finding courage can be daunting, but it doesn’t have to start with grand gestures.
You can flex your courage muscles in small, albeit effective, ways. Try these baby steps on for size:
If there’s someone in your life who constantly needs acknowledgment, think about setting some boundaries.
If you feel like you have to acknowledge someone in a social media post, even if they’re irrelevant to the topic, guess what? You don’t have to!
Just because someone sucks all the oxygen out of the room, it doesn’t mean you have to keep giving them air.
As always, I thank you for reading,
—Sarene
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